kevlar on...

dvd players,

"well, i like mine. i've had it for years now. it's a whoosh."

dvds,

"i like the special features, i like to watch the special features, they're cool."

making videos,

"i like to make 'em, but who's got time? and for what? nobody watches them!"

when the next ktv installment might appear,

"hard to say. why? did someone say something? i know you said aj liked them."

going topless for the ktv spots,

"i was young. it was hot. it's too cold now. stop touching me!"

the dragon's lair video game,

"it was fun but i got killed early. haven't tried lately"

hosting poker,

"fun for awhile but then you look around and there're beer bottles stacked to your ceiling and the place smells like an internet cafe. impossible now that i have a kid"

attending a poker game,

"i'll play anytime anywhere. i love poker. and it's easier to win now that bread's gone"

drinking beer,

"it's the best, you know, but better on a hot day than a cold one."

drinking tequila,

"it seemed like a good idea at the time."

seeing changhua ton sugar and paul chao and kevin macleod at grooveyard on saturday night,

"it was really fun! fun to see those guys! even macleod. we buried the hatchet"

seeing sho there,

"oh man, oh man, she had to walk me home."

january ending,

"good. fine, see you later never cared much for january anyway"

south america,

"i still want to go. it'd be different over there."

bread,

"i like it. it's good. buttered and toasted.

your friend bread,

"he's living my life! except for the lawyer reading books stuff! dick!"

back hair,

"it's genetic so fuck off!"

being married,

"i love kaia."

being a dad,

"kaia's great!"

the legend of aaron's hidden beer,

"yeah, i don't know. i'm confused, maybe it's there, maybe not."

nicknames,

"i don't see what all the fuss is about. what's a j-hole anyway?

karlemagne,

"aaron doesn't like you renaming people. karl's cool."

ponce,

"huh?"

working 6 day weeks,

"blows. sucks. sucks and blows."

grade 8 boys,

"hell. pure hell. why won't they sit down? what's wrong with them? they don't like me i know it but you know what, i don't care cause why should i?"

power tools,

"now we're talkin', power tools yeah! all i need is a catalogue and some money!"

this blog,

"good name but too grey. needs a makeover.'

makeovers,

"metrosexuals. queer eye! aaron was all about that before!"

neck beards,

"...should be braided."

Watching Daily motion videos

Been watching The Office both the U.K. and the American version. I have seen 3 episodes, one more and then I will stop. I am leaning toward the UK version being better.

hola! the sombrero galaxy

in the mariachi cluster

just light years from the taco

nebula

south america dreamin'

first let me say that i fully support and encourage fantasy on every level.

however, while i can appreciate kevlar's desire to pick up stakes and move to south america, one must remember that life in bread's world does not necessarily translate into greener pastures for the rest of us mere mortals for several reasons....

1. we are married with kids and slaves to our jobs.

2. we are not snappy dressers like bread is.

3.wherever bread travels he is popular with the ladies. south america is not an anomaly. he's got a knack...

for examples, "you guys, eastern european women rule, especially the estonians..."

or "...spanish chicks are like paella, easy to make..."

or "...you wouldn't believe how much pussy i got in chad..."

or "...gee, kevin your chinese teacher came on to me..." and the list goes on and on...

4. bread speaks spanish. when he was here he spoke mandarin. the point being he communicates in the languages of the honeys. that's gotta help. how's yer spanish kevlar?

5. no fear. bread has the confidence of a sailor on permanent shore leave or an elephant in a peanut factory. a hippo in a swimming pool or john on tall boys on a sunday afternoon...

6. bread doesn't have any back hair. that's gotta be a positive when hanging on the beach.

so take a deep breath kevlar, close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach in south america with all kinds of honey pies kneading lotion into your thighs, smoke in one hand, beer in the other... it'll be better than the real thing, trust me...

*is it too early for a drink 'cause i'm sounding way too sober for my liking.

Forget hotdog eating contests!! Taiwan Champions

Bangor,M.E. residents are thrilled after their Mayor Ivo Hyphen announced the new competition. " For years we have been losing tourist dollars to the New York hot dog eating commpetition.. Not anymore! WE GOT PARKING LOTS". Bangor hosted the first international fill a parking lot competition. The Australians managed to park and barbie some roos. The Japanese filmed a game show, a cooking show and a tit-less bikini fashion show. The Taiwanese stunned all with their double parking skills by placing two cars in every space. Feeling the competeitive spirt the Americans spat, cursed and lobbed snow balls at the Canadians. Kevlar Cannuck captain of the Canadian team, quit in protest and said he wanted to go to South America.

a t t i c 3

R: so it's been awhile since we last spoke.

K: yeah, well take your time, don't rush it.

R: let's just get it done. last time i said i wanted to chat about a couple of things, the first being the cat you had to rescue in miaoli...

K: yes, apparently it stepped into a trap and then got poisoned. it was in pretty bad shape.

R: jeez. why did you have to go from taichung city to miaoli county to take care of the cat?

K: well, it was my cat, the wife's cat, before little kaia came along. we moved it to the in-law compound in the countryside to give it more room to roam around, catch mice and be cattish.

R: and it was scratching up your furniture...

K: yeah that and i didn't want it to maul kaia...

R: smart.

K: yeah, well i got a call one day from the wife. she said the cat was hurt or in trouble and i should go take care of it. take it to the vet.

R: why couldn't the in-laws take care of it? there are 7 or 8 of them and they have 3 cars between them. they're 5 minutes from the vet.

K: they thought that it would be better if i rode up there on my motorbike, pick up the cat and take it back to taichung. the wife agreed.

R: 'cause we have better cat doctors here than there?

K: i guess. they're useless. they pay companies to play video games for them. those role playing games, you know?

R: for what?

K: so they can play 24-7. they watch their game in their free time which is, as far as i can tell, all the time...

R: let's talk about karlemagne.

K: who's karlemagne?

R: our friend, tall karl, head chewer of the chung, chessmaster, lover of lesbians, pro-ninja lobbyist, sultan of snark?

K: ok, but what's with the 'karlemagne'?

R: don't put quotes around his name.

K: sorry, karlemagne, why karlemagne?

R: i'm glad you asked. do you remember your surprise when i told you what your name means?

K: i wasn't surprised. and yes i remember.

R: so what's kevin mean, kevlar?

K: gorgeous!

R: close, handsome. well, i happened to look up the meanings of the names of people we know, you know?

K: why?

R: 'cause i have 3 baby name books in my house and we're trying to decide what to call the new baby.

K: oh yeah, is this one getting nine names too?

R: yeah, well seven given...

K: so what's with the 'karlemagne'?

R: don't raise your fingers like that!

K: oh yeah, karlemagne!

R: karl is like carl, a short form of charles, meaning strong and manly farmer.

K: so?

R: so it made me think of charlemagne, king of the franks..

K: charlemagne, karlemagne, ok

R: it's got a nice ring to it.

K: so it's 'karl the great'?

R: yeah, but the only thing i'm not sure about is how karl would feel about having a moniker based on a french name, however 'great' it may be.

K: he might not like it.

R: right, and he's already also known as 'ponce'.

K: i never understood where that came from.

R: ponce de leon was a spaniard who explored florida in the 16th century.

K: and karl's from florida...

R: karlemagne.

K: hunh?

R: karlemagne's from florida.

K: i don't know rye, about this new world order of yours. how can a man be two historical figures and be both a spaniard and and a frank? sounds too gnarly.

R: good point kevlar. don't get too logical on me now.

K: so what's your name mean?

R: little king from the black river crowned with laurels.

K: bullshit.

R: no lie.

K: what's just ryan mean?

R: little king.

K: they forgot the ugly.

R: har! did you see that aaron's got a blog?

K: yeah, he's gonna use it brag about his beer!

R: so far it's been about podcasting, seinfeld and such...

K: a cover , a decoy! i'm gonna get that beer! he can't fool me!

R: kev, there is no beer.

K: there is! and when i find it i'm gonna find my ladder! i know it!

R: how are you gonna get in there? it's locked up tighter than jeans on a fat man!

K: i've rigged a silencer to a jack hammer and i'm gonna tunnel in through the canal, under the street some night while he's sleeping and get those remaining cases! i will!

R: ok, you'll give us an update afterwards right?

K: sure. by the way, what's aaron mean?

R: it's hebrew for 'enlightened', arabic for 'messenger'.

K: well i don't speak no arabic but you can give him this message for me, i'm coming for those california cases!

When its wet

K: Where is your rain coat?
R: You are running early this morning.
K: It is my usual time.
R: Rained all night.
K: I don't know about that. I sleep at night.
R: What is the difference between a condom and a raincoat?
K: I only wear a condomn when I have sex.
R: No. If you wear a raincoat you might not get wet.
K: What?
R: I guess I'll have to work on that one.
K: yeah I think so.

saturday detonation

Bulgarian tobacco factory goes up in smoke. Granted, my Bulgarian isn't too good but I think they're saying, "Look at all the smoke coming from the ruined tobacco factory! Har!"

all about philias

this is an odd and maybe distasteful topic. let's say i'm presenting it due to these 3 threads;

1. this morning's video post.

2. my brother acquired an unfortunate (and undeserved) nickname on his first and only visit to taiwan 3 years ago. he's never been back.

3. i couldn't remember how to spell bestiality

wikipedia redirected my bestiality search to 'zoophilia' which is 'defined as an affinity or sexual attraction by a human to a non-human animal.'

zoophilia is one of many paraphilias, a term representing a whole family of philias.

philia is greek for 'friendship'

it's all about unicorns

an email from one old friend to another forwarded to me revealed a link to this video..

NSFW

bugs gets his

caution, may be disturbing to some viewers, elmer fudd wins one.

Biggest Teddy ever

The bear stands just over 6 feet and costs a mere 8800 nt.

Snack Patrol returns with 30nt booty

Where da darn Ry-bat at?

Toy box solution

Turn the shelf sideways.. duh, I don't know why this didn't occur to me before.

a t t i c 2

R: so last time we left off with aaron and your ladder.

K: yeah, he's got my ladder but won't admit it.

R: you asked him about it?

K: yes, i did but it got lost in the shuffle or something.

R: i remember when aaron moved into that house.

K: yes! that's when i took the ladder there for the first time, to help him install some drapes!

R: right! in the bedroom! 'cause tina doesn't like light!

K: yeaaah, thaat's right, she doesn't... i had to drill the holes in the cement to hang the rods.

R: and you needed the height that only a ladder can provide...

K: well he didn't have one did he?

R: you know i remember that day. we drank beer. john was there. maybe brett too.

K: yeah well, it was before all the marriages happened. and the micro brew too!

R: all the marriages? mine and yours... and aaron's. john's always been married.

K: and brett! always! heh! heh! ha! brett! well i don't get to drink beer on sunday afternoons too much anymore, do you? i know he's got that secret stash there somewhere. he's doing it just to torture me... i know it.

R: kevin.

K: well anyway i don't know if he has it or not, he might but might not but i think he had it but something happened to it i'm not sure.

R: you know they ended up replacing the drapes with newspaper?

K: what? no. you lie.

R: yes! aaron told me. it just looks better he said.

K: well that's just stupid. it took a long time to drill those holes that day too.

R: i'm pretty sure i didn't help any. i have this image in my head of all of us standing around hoisting tall boy hites while you worked. aaron was somehow able to simultaneously compliment your handyman talents and make obscene canadianer slave jokes.

K: that sounds about right!

R: it's as if we were all invited over there to watch him abuse you.

K: oh horseshit!

R: like he derived some kind of sick pleasure out of it. like an evil puppeteer manipulating us all. we were the audience and you were his plaything

K: and i was the plaything? crackhead.

R: and then he made you take your shirt off. remember that?

K: that never happened. for the record.

R: and then he got out his cat o' nine tails...

K: yeah right...

R: ok so what's next?

K: there was the time when he asked us to meet him near nova to help him take his computer in.

R: yes! and we met him in the parking lot on gung yi rd on motorcyles!

K: yes! and he had his car. he parked the car. took the desktop out of the back seat and we strapped it onto my bike.

R: and he got on with me.

K: we rode him and his computer to nova.

R: ...like idiots.

K: like idiots. shortest ride ever, took maybe 30 seconds.

R: we must have gone for beer after that..

K: oh probably...

R: listen, we gotta talk about the cat, Karlemagne and more about Red A's secret stash...

K: ok later elevator...

R: you're going to go look for that satsh arent you?

K: i'm already there, through astral projection!

The Tale of the Cat and the Trap

all the tools in china

we've been inundated with letters of late demanding an update on what kevlar's been jawin about. DV changed his name to VERN and moved to the mailroom to sort out the mess.

K: what are you doing?

R: i'm prepping for the new interview.

K: what new interview?

R: when you signed on you agreed to do a new in depth Q & A every month.

K: fuck off, no i didn't.

R: uh yeah you did. read the fine print amigo.

K: i'll do it for some rum then.

R: alright then there's your rum.

K: gee thanks. that was some quick.

R: yeah well we're all about efficiency here you know.

K: so speaking of amigos, did you read bread's email?

R: sure did. wow.

K: yeah, wow. i told you so didn't i?

R: yeah well it took me a day or so to remember to read it.

K: oh i read em quick quick like. i got an rss feed on them.

R: i asked him if i could publish it.

K: you lie.

R: ok so i just figured he'd say no.

K: oh what was your first clue or was it the message at the bottom, DELETE THIS AFTER READING? i'm gonna go read it again sometime when the wife's sleeping.

R: mine self destructed. so what's the bread update? where's he been?

K: chili.

R: chile, don't you mean.

K: oh whatever, I say chili. bread went to chili. it was hot down there.

R: 'cause it's summer there?

K: hot and spicy! like a bald titty! you got any more rum?

R: there you go.

K: thanks. some quick.

R: yep.

K: can i go now?

R: we haven't really started the interview yet.

K: well, hurry up. i gotta go, the wife's calling you know...

R: any predictions for the new year?

K: i think that the blue pistol won't make it through the year..

R: your beloved motorcycle...

K: yes, yes your neighbour - worst parker ever - knocked it over 2 weeks ago. Now the odometer is fucked and it rattles when i ride. so annoying..

R: that cant kill a bike...

K: well that and other things...

R: anything else?

K: you will have a baby next month!

R: yes! wow. you wanna think outside the tool box for a minute there boy genius?

K: no can do.

R: did you know some lady chased sandy for a block the other day?

K: how come?

R: to try to sell her some diet pills.

K: ha! 8 months preggers! diet pills! ha! only in taiwan!

R: i was surprised but not really, you know?

K: taiwanese salespeople are persistent.. ok let's end it here then. you're rum dumb.

R: one more!

K: let's hear it then, i gotta get going...

R: you got a bag of baby clothes from aaron, how'd that work out for kaia?

K: good. great. aaron wouldn't give me any beer though.

R: oh no?

K: no, didn't even invite me inside his house. his home! that palace! he has my ladder!

R: well, he doesn't have all that beer anymore you know..

K: oh it's there. i know it's there, lining the walls like carpeting...

R: we had a play date there a few weeks ago with tom and his daughter... he gave me 2 tall boy heiferweissens and cool coors light for the road... it was awesome.

K: did you see my ladder there?

R: no. don't think so. steep stairs though...

K: bastard.

R: who?

K: bastards!

R: those cases of tasty micro brew are long gone, let it go...

K: oh they're there, they're there... my ladder too! ! we'll pick this up manana!

R: ok part 2 manana ou la prochaine...

ok so one more family guy star wars video, "use the force, luke..."

Hung over to Grump over

I should be grumpy but I didn't really pull out all the stops to celebrate New Year's. I'm just annoyed because it is a holiday and I want Ry to come over and help me toss my X-mas tree from the roof. Jack Hammers should only be used in Beitun. 40 sec video)