Office Freak Out

Don't we all feel a bit like this some days?

Gee what a palace.. and a wonderful tale

- *- *- *- * STATE- CERTIFIED TEACHERS SOUGHT *- *- *- *-

NT$70,000 / Month. The leading private high school in Taichung, established for 50 years, has an opening for a STATE- CERTIFIED English teacher.

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Requirements:
1) STATE TEACHING CERTIFICATION from home country
2) B.A. degree minimum
3) Native English Speaker with Australia/ Canada/ New Zewland/ South Africa/ USA/ UK passport.
4) Teaching experience.
5) Three letters of recommendation.

Please send your resume along with photo copy of passport, certificate, and references to us

From tealit...

Faces of Viator I

Kevlar will recognize this kid immediately.

If he can't he should pause a sec before he reads on.



He's in high school now but Kev had him back in his junior high days when he would follow him around campus chanting the word "Penis!" over and over again.

I observed it on a few occasions, normally walking somewhere on campus together.

Their exchanges usually went something like this.

Student: Kevin Teacher! Kevin Teacher!

Kev: Oh, Christ! It's Penis Boy. (groans)

S: Hey Teacher Kevin! Penis!

K: Hello, Alan. Can I help you?

S: I have to tell you something.

K: (sighs) Yes?

He leans in close to Kev, cups his hand to his mouth and whispers,

S: Penis. (maniacal giggling)

K: Don't you have somewhere to be?

S: Peenisss!

K: Okay Alan, we'll see you later. ( We walk away )

S: Teacher Kevin! Penis Teacher!

K: I hate that kid.

look out kid.

Kevlar 5.0

Good Lord that previous Gary Kasparov and the Flying Penis title is getting really annoying to look at every time this page loads that something absolutely must be done.

If you stopped by here in May you were treated to a gripping story about park sod, the gravity of elementary scrota and a flying penis threatening a Russian chess master.

What a month!

Needless to say both Kev and I were on hiatus. Separate vacations from the blog world.

I did see him a couple of times over the month however and I gotta say the once emaciated Kevlar of yore has been replaced with a rounder, chunkier version. Kevlar 5.0. If that sounds fatter and rosier, Kevlar 5.0 it is. Quitting smoking has positively ravaged his bony physique. He kinda looks like me now, just hairier and in Hawaiian shorts.

In all seriousness though, good on Kevlar for getting off the weed. It's harder to get him out for a brew these days which kinda sucks 'cause I'm leaving in 5 weeks and it'd be nice to see him a little more often. On the upside, when I do see him there's far more of him to see!

Beers at Fairies Thursday evenings til late with John and sometimes Dean-o too. (after the kids are to bed) Come on out to chew the fat. DWayne's there almost every night, earlier though. I may be there on Tuesdays too...

Gary Kasparov & The Flying Penis (subtitled)

May Balls

What follows happened a while back but it nevertheless happened.

Kevlar: Guess what they were checking 5th grade boys for at my school today.

Rye: Lice.

Kev: Nope.

J-Hole: Leprosy.

Kev: No!

D-Wayne: Lesbians.

Kev: No! They were checking to see if their balls had dropped yet!

Rye: Did you help out?

Kev: No thank christ but when they first mentioned it I kinda thought they wanted me to go down there and help out.

J: But they didn't? They didn't want you to go down? There? To help out?

K: No! Good thing too. I'm hardly qualified.

DW: Why would they do that? Check that sort of thing?

K: I don't know. No one ever checked my balls in elementary school!

R,J, DW: -------

K: I mean, that I can remember!

Free Grass at People's Park

3:00 Sunday afternoon Kaia and I swung into people's park. We made the scene with our new blue wheels. Kaia hit the grass running for three young kids playing with beach balls. I was half way across with the push bike, when the man a crack head in a blue shirt came out whistling. I stopped kept my eyes on the Kaia. He explained how the sign said no dogs or bikes on the grass (I was walking the bike). I told him I would just put it under the trees on the opposite side.

I locked the front wheel and placed the bike behind some big green electrical box. That way while I was playing I could keep an eye on it. 25 minutes later a different crack head in a blue shirt walks the width of the field and grabs my bike. I watch as he struggles with the concept of a lock. He then starts to drag it to the curb. Ok so I know he works in the park... but .. I take Kaia away from her new friends and go to talk to The Bike Terminator. He now has my bike in an overhead body slam
position and he is crossing the width of the park again. Heading toward the shady blue shirt smoking lounge.

I intercept the guy carrying my bike I start with "Hello", he smiles at me and keeps walking with his trophy. I progress to "Hey that is my bike!" He is like oh you can't put it there. Brainfart: He is baked out of his head, My bike was not on the fucking grass! I bark out that "the other guy agreed that I could put the bike there!" (sorta). The new protector of the grass carried my tiny bike to the street and awkwardly placed it between some scooters. He said something like the bike is expensive and I should have a nice day. (No doubt proud of the grass saving. I wonder if they cry on grass cutting day.)

15 minutes later I was sitting on the bike with Kaia watching five woman sit, drum and sing. Sounded good as they sat on the wooden boardwalks under the trees. A woman wearing in-line skates comes up to me and says excuse me I need this space. I froze and looked at her like she was chewing mud. She repeats herself, cause I didn't jump to help her out. I am in a public park and you expect me to move aside so you can have a rollerblading class for profit. What kind of teacher is she who has no safety equipment, no whistle, ID badge, wrist protectors?? Set an example.
Why don't in-line skater schools find a less public place?

I don't feel like I am making something out of nothing. AND I feel like an ASS.

Jon Lajoie

Have you ever been @#$#%

This is a really funny Canadian guy.

Ron White from the blue collar comedy.

My favorite Everyday normal guy

Fresh KITH

The Kids in the Hall seem to be doing a reunion thing -

Their idea for the opening sketch is called "Rape Kevin".



This one celebrates "...a love for which there is no name."

A Disaster (again)

Home boy Jack one day poo(ed) in the bathroom in (the) early morning. And he was exciting (ed) when he (was) reading something (some) book which is not good for children. It is so exciting his penis stand up in triumph. Suddenly he fell into the toilet and (was) stuck in there yelling, hoping someone can come and help him. But it is (was) too early all his family still sleeping so he just wait there in the toilet with the poo and the book being exciting until suddenly his sister come to save him. What a sad boy.

Lucky Break

Tongue in cheek - this kid never listens to what I say

I was expecting (wondering) who to (would) be my next conversation teacher when I was a senior two (one) student last semester. Teacher Frank taught well when I was in senior one. I didn't expect one who could be better than teacher Frank. To my surprise, it was a handsome man called Ryan. He taught even better than Frank. Each of his smile(s), movements, actions, humor, knowledge and culture attrack(t)ed (me) to his class. I can't find one who is better than he until now, It's my preasure (pleasure)to be taught by him. I view this event as my lucky break in my life.

Allen Carr

link to the free pdf of Scandal.

OK so it has been about five weeks. I read Scandal and started the other book.
Problems:
1. I want the joy(high)boost of smoking and I can't get it.
2. I continue to cough a lot and my throat hurts (tender)
3. I am getting fat, my clothes don't fit
4. I fart too much and seem to easily get indigestion.
5. 10 to 11pm I am wiped and can't stay awake.
6. wake up between 6-7 am daily
7. Cigarette smoke sticks to my clothes and stinks (yeah I know)
8. My sense of smell is better so I can really detect, the unpleasant odours of public transportation. Street food does not taste as good as it used to.
9. While exercising (swimming, cycling) I find myself gasping for air.
10. I wonder what it is like to kiss a non-smoker !!!

I bought two copies of this Easyway book in Chinese. I managed to give both away to some realtives .. I hope they read it.

Perks:
No one believes me, my teeth always look like I just went to the dentist, I didn't buy and smoke 700 cigarettes (20 a day*7 days in a week) *5 weeks
.
.
that is it, there are no benefits to quitting.
That nonsense about boost of energy levels is a load of CRAP!! Unless were talking about the amount of time it takes to go from normal to stark raving angry. Cause temper management could be a problem. If I made a list of things to change I would like to give up TV, swim the 1500m in one day and not two weeks.

The Strollers New Captain

He seems to like everything.

Kaoshing-shung

I was here the week before last. It was one of the highlights of the trip. This fancy restaurant had carts that came around and offered "Speciality Food". There was a menu and then you let your eyes wander and add it to the bill. Fancy fun

Last week it was free, now it is 10,000 and climbing

The cats are still alive and playful. My co-worker wants to unload his cat I offered to help him out with "Permenant Farm Stay". The wifey says no thanks. I have been making less frequent trips to Meow-li so I have not being swinging by the supermarkets to pick up sacks of cat food. Someone else has been paying to feed the cats that belong to my wiffe-y-poo.

Here is the car I was offered for free last weekend. The offer landed on the table while I was visiting some of my inlaws in Kaoshiung. Of course I asked "what is wrong with it?" and the response was "nothing".
This weekend I took it for a spin, 5spd, a/c,cd player, good rubber, does highway speeds just fine... the catch.. 7000 in taxes per year and they are due shortly.
Does that seem like a lot? I think something is lost in translation. I think I would like to have a car, a weekend beater.
As the Wifflewoman now has a brother and sister living in different parts of hte the city.. I wonder if I had a car how often would the wife suggest I pick up her sibblings and head for the LI for a gay old time

Drug Poll

Help Kevlar choose a new drug.
	bin lang
	crack
	pot
	liquor
	acid
	junk
	speed
	coke
	glue
	ketamine
	sex
	tea
pollcode.com free polls

Former Smoker Sighting

There was a Kevlar sighting at 6:07 pm Monday evening near the Xiang Shang market area. Witnesses reported seeing a hairy ape shaped java man not smoking and carrying some squirmy offspring. He seemed for foraging for bian dangs and beer.

R: I can't believe you quit smoking.

K: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

R: No one believes it.

K: Who's no one?

R: Everyone. It's gotta be bullshit.

K: It's hard. I need a new drug.

R: Need or want?

K: Want. Need. Take your pick.

R: One that won't make you sick?

K: Right. I like beer.

R: One that won't hurt your head?

K: Okaaay... I like beer.

R: Too bad sex isn't a drug, eh? You could get some of that.

K: Beer's more likely.

R: So you're just not smoking in class now, right?

K: Nowhere.

R: But smoking defined you, man. It's like John quitting drinking.

K: Not so. More like Aaron quitting war games. Heee...

R: Or planning for world domination. What are we supposed to call the blog now?

K: It's still smoking.

R: The blog?

K: Yep. I can smell it. It stinks now.

R: Speaking of stinking. My fantasy team sucks. Thanks for asking.

K: You play Bread yet?

R: Yep. Beat him but lost hard last week.

K: Bad?

R: Real bad. Got Pimp this week.

K: Gee, if he beats you than I guess that makes you a dirty whore.

R: Want a cigarette?

K: No.

R: You sure? They're yummy.

K: I don't smoke brown ones.

R: Racist.

K: I don't smoke the white ones either.

R: You should get into bin lang.

K: As my new drug?

R: Yeah. And open a glass box shop. Your in-laws are in the biz right?

K: Were. Are. Maybe.

R: Anne could sell bin lang. You could have a new drug and red teeth.

K: Don't you have somewhere to be?

I left after that cause yeah I did have somewhere I needed to be. I was hoping our readers could help find Kevlar a new drug. Beer and coffee are ineligible cause he's already addicted to them. Give it some thought and post a suggestion in the comment box or I'll put up a poll or something...

Secret Japanese attacks on the USA WWII

Ry, why have you never mentioned this video?

My Name is Earl

My Name is Earl. Just watched two seasons of this on DVD. It is has elements of white trash, a la trailer park boys. The two main characters Earl and Randy do some gut splitting funny stuff.

Park and Office

Tuesday after lunch I stood in the school park socializing and I saw a woman wiping, spreading and wiping a dog's butt. This reminded me of silly dog owners... that dress up dogs and run around with the "dog stroller".
Wednesday my new co-worker stepped on the scale. I leaned in 'cause I wondered. Yeah, ok he weighs 10 kilos or if you wanna think about it for a moment.. he actually weighs something like 130 kg. The wheel went around once.