K: how are this morning rye?
R: better than my fantasy team, that's for sure.
K: oh, still doing that are you?
R: it never ends. and it's only 3 weeks in...
K: oh, yes.
R: i was ahead all week. i thought i had a chance to win my matchup but looking at the numbers this morning i think i've firmly solidified my hold on last place...
K: i don't understand.
R: i'm pretty sure my team blew a 12 run lead on the last day...
K: ouch. that sucks.
R: fuckin right, the final tallies aren't in yet but it's gonna be ugly... i'm gonna get hammered.
K: maybe you should wait until you get home. it's hard to teach drunk.
R: good one. can't you sympathize a little?
K: nope. sorry. i got a new haircut! no more sideburns!
R: yes, i see you got sheared. my opponent's players had awesome days at the plate...
K: are you just gonna talk about baseball all morning?
R: i can't stop thinking about it. i feel so beaten.
K: this is fantasy baseball, right?
R: yeah.
K: so it's not real, right?
R: well, the stats are real.
K: faaan-taah-seee! you can't be upset because it's fake! you should relax!
R: so my depression is just in my head. it's imaginary, so really i feel great and am happy and contented. so that's what sandy has been saying!
K: someone's got to be in last place.
R: according to your logic, i'm not really in last place, it's just a hallucination!
K: now you're talkin'!
R: i can't believe you're the one i have to talk to about baseball.
K: you're the one talking about it! i wanna talk about my trip to carrefour last night! fuckin... the in-laws were apparently in town on the weekend and got a locker there and forgot their stuff in it when they left so the wife asked me to go pick it up, and you know what, the lockers there are not coin operated! they're combination locks!
R: gee.
K: yeah! so i thought it was way better than some locker where you may or may not get your money back, huh?
R: i guess. this isn't making me feel better you know.
K: i find it fascinating!
R: you would. this is not more interesting than baseball.
K: says you! tell you what rye, why don't you sprinkle some fairy dust and fly over your little baseball rainbow, fire the illusion of yourself and rehire yourself under another name. there! maybe your fake team will respond better to different fake manager!
R: maybe it's the beard.
K: it can't be helping.
R: damn, you're really getting your digs in today aren't you?
K: seems like you can't get any lower anyway...
R: you are really enjoying kicking me while i'm down... good thing this conversation never happened.
K: oh yeah!
R: and since we're not talking about anything real today, how about all those imaginary KTV spots you've been producing?
K: oh yeah! they're there!
R: AJ needs his fix!
K: how do you know?
R: i saw him at the chili cook off. your bike was there. didn't see you around...
K: oh yeah!
R: somebody peed on it. shat in the helmet too.
K: horseshit!
R: no, i think was dog shit but i could be wrong...
K: oh you're wrong!
R: we're late for class. i gotta go...
K: i have no class...
R: that's for sure...
K: i'll forget i heard that.
R: you gotta prep a KTV spot, please. and watch Roof Top Kevlar!
K: fine.
R: working title was Kevlar: Roof Nazi!
K: ?
Monday, April 23
Friday, April 20
news from the plantation
or, more reasons to never work at wei dao...
last friday the 13th, a very pregnant co-worker of mine, a taiwanese citizen, went on maternity leave as her baby was due on monday. by law she is entitled to something like 56 days paid leave on either side of the birth... as of right now the baby still hasn't been born and yesterday, the dean of personnel here at psycho high, ostensibly a "catholic" school, was furious that she hadn't yet delivered the baby and ordered her back to work today. i shit you not. back to work slave! good god! and get this, she actually came. blows my mind! she's teaching right now while her husband, who was scheduled to have covered her classes, sits in the office. she can barely move. for the record, our supervisor did nothing to back her up and just tries to cover this dickensian move with more of her lies, "no this is normal, all taiwanese women do this..." bullshit they do...and our director, captain useless just sits aroud his office all day playing solitaire waiting for feeding times....
while i i'm on the subject, i missed a couple days of work when my son was born and did some research online to find out about paternity leave. by law, new fathers are to be given 2 days paid leave... by law... i printed it out and showed my supervisor and the director as they smiled and pretended to be concerned about my situation... after all, i have a young family and missed a lot of classes on those days...
the answer i got back?
"ryan, because we are a private school, we don't have to follow the law."
"so i won't get paid? eventhough by law the school is required to pay me?"
"that's right. sorry."
big smiles.
my situation barely merited blogging but the one with co-worker certainly does. i hope she gives birth this afternoon in the 3rd floor lobby of the language center! i'll cut the fuckin umbilical!
this wins hands down as the cruelest, most black hearted authoritarian decree ever at school i've worked at...
dumber than when the government deported my 18 month old son last summer...
fuckers.
last friday the 13th, a very pregnant co-worker of mine, a taiwanese citizen, went on maternity leave as her baby was due on monday. by law she is entitled to something like 56 days paid leave on either side of the birth... as of right now the baby still hasn't been born and yesterday, the dean of personnel here at psycho high, ostensibly a "catholic" school, was furious that she hadn't yet delivered the baby and ordered her back to work today. i shit you not. back to work slave! good god! and get this, she actually came. blows my mind! she's teaching right now while her husband, who was scheduled to have covered her classes, sits in the office. she can barely move. for the record, our supervisor did nothing to back her up and just tries to cover this dickensian move with more of her lies, "no this is normal, all taiwanese women do this..." bullshit they do...and our director, captain useless just sits aroud his office all day playing solitaire waiting for feeding times....
while i i'm on the subject, i missed a couple days of work when my son was born and did some research online to find out about paternity leave. by law, new fathers are to be given 2 days paid leave... by law... i printed it out and showed my supervisor and the director as they smiled and pretended to be concerned about my situation... after all, i have a young family and missed a lot of classes on those days...
the answer i got back?
"ryan, because we are a private school, we don't have to follow the law."
"so i won't get paid? eventhough by law the school is required to pay me?"
"that's right. sorry."
big smiles.
my situation barely merited blogging but the one with co-worker certainly does. i hope she gives birth this afternoon in the 3rd floor lobby of the language center! i'll cut the fuckin umbilical!
this wins hands down as the cruelest, most black hearted authoritarian decree ever at school i've worked at...
dumber than when the government deported my 18 month old son last summer...
fuckers.
Monday, April 16
hair sandwich
like i said in the last post, kevlar has been really uppity lately about his hair. it's fluffier than usual, almost feathery in it's appearance. he struts around the office at flinging his locks "...like he's in a hair commercial." in fact, he's so confident that he's taken to dissing my hair! this is what he said to me the other day...
K: hey rye, what are you gonna do about that bald spot on the back of your head?
R: i don't know, what are you gonna do about those buck teeth?
K: shut up!
R: listen, bread is coming back.
K: yeah, you said.
R: he's coming may 20th for 10 days.
K: what? it's april buddy! ... fuck you!
R: yes, i know it's april.
K: that's in 4 days.
R: he's coming in may! may!
K: you said april.
R: no, i said may! dick! anyway, when he gets here he's gonna put your hair to shame so you better stop strutin' around like you're the cock of the walk.
K: at least i know better than to grow pubes on my face!
R: now that's just mean.
K: i'm not sorry!
R; you know what i think? i think you're projecting your own hair anxieties on to others. i could have an afro in a matter of months!
K: yeah well you do that.
R: maybe i will. didn't you have something to say about your last haircut?
K: yeah, she used a bowie knife instead of scissors. she didn't really cut it, she just kind of chopped.
R: sheesh. you're a liar.
K: this really happened. i shit you not. you know rye, if i spent any more time on my hair, i'd be at work a lot less...
R: i don't know what that's supposed to mean. i see you have been wearing jeans lately. i don't think any of our friends have ever seen you jeans.
K: yeah, i look pretty good too, huh?
R: you're just wearing them 'cause bread's coming back.
K: and at work we have this new wear tight pants policy instituted by that head teacher.
R: and you'll be rewarded for that.
K: how?
R: maybe you'll get a fruit basket. or a certificate of ass appreciation. which would you prefer?
K: some appreciation would be nice, i know aaron really likes my body...
R: i remember. if he had your body, he'd be getting laid all the time.
K: and if i had his brain, i'd put to better use.
R: better than what he does with it? i doubt it.
K: oh yeah! maybe we should switch bodies for a week.
R: i bet he'd be into that, wife swapping and all that.
K: oh yeah!
R; wouldn't you be jealous of him with your wife?
K: yeah well, the joke'd be on him, my wife won't touch me!
R: did you see the pics he put up of his wife's foot infections?
K: no.
R: not for sensitive viewers.
K: oh. i wasn't sure which way you were going with that.
R: again you're projecting your own fetishes on to me.
K: i hate you!
R: why aren't you happy? bread's coming!
K: hey rye, what are you gonna do about that bald spot on the back of your head?
R: i don't know, what are you gonna do about those buck teeth?
K: shut up!
R: listen, bread is coming back.
K: yeah, you said.
R: he's coming may 20th for 10 days.
K: what? it's april buddy! ... fuck you!
R: yes, i know it's april.
K: that's in 4 days.
R: he's coming in may! may!
K: you said april.
R: no, i said may! dick! anyway, when he gets here he's gonna put your hair to shame so you better stop strutin' around like you're the cock of the walk.
K: at least i know better than to grow pubes on my face!
R: now that's just mean.
K: i'm not sorry!
R; you know what i think? i think you're projecting your own hair anxieties on to others. i could have an afro in a matter of months!
K: yeah well you do that.
R: maybe i will. didn't you have something to say about your last haircut?
K: yeah, she used a bowie knife instead of scissors. she didn't really cut it, she just kind of chopped.
R: sheesh. you're a liar.
K: this really happened. i shit you not. you know rye, if i spent any more time on my hair, i'd be at work a lot less...
R: i don't know what that's supposed to mean. i see you have been wearing jeans lately. i don't think any of our friends have ever seen you jeans.
K: yeah, i look pretty good too, huh?
R: you're just wearing them 'cause bread's coming back.
K: and at work we have this new wear tight pants policy instituted by that head teacher.
R: and you'll be rewarded for that.
K: how?
R: maybe you'll get a fruit basket. or a certificate of ass appreciation. which would you prefer?
K: some appreciation would be nice, i know aaron really likes my body...
R: i remember. if he had your body, he'd be getting laid all the time.
K: and if i had his brain, i'd put to better use.
R: better than what he does with it? i doubt it.
K: oh yeah! maybe we should switch bodies for a week.
R: i bet he'd be into that, wife swapping and all that.
K: oh yeah!
R; wouldn't you be jealous of him with your wife?
K: yeah well, the joke'd be on him, my wife won't touch me!
R: did you see the pics he put up of his wife's foot infections?
K: no.
R: not for sensitive viewers.
K: oh. i wasn't sure which way you were going with that.
R: again you're projecting your own fetishes on to me.
K: i hate you!
R: why aren't you happy? bread's coming!
"this guy thinks he's running a baseball team." - my darling sandstress
i have been sucked into the vortex of fantasy baseball! these last 2 weeks (has it only been 2 weeks?) i haven't been able to be on line and not find myself perusing the free agent pages, looking for that one pick up who's going to save my ass, that one arm that's gonna be the next dominant starter, delivering strikeouts by the wheelbarrow load with an era so crystal clear it sparkles, and a whip, a whip lower than kevlar's pants on a special ktv night. do i play this guy who's been struggling? (joe hole in his bat crede) striking out 3 times a day for a week or do i stick with him because tomorrow, tomorrow he's gonna break out of his slump and have a monster day, and christ i'd hate to miss out on that!
it's consuming me. it's so addictive! all sports have stats but no sport has stats like baseball stats. you can scroll through them endlessly looking for that edge, that holy grail, the lightining rod that will make you look like a genius manager. i haven't read stats like this since i collected baseball cards as a kid, so much so that i've been neglecting the blogs, not only writing for them but even reading them.
in an effort to seek help, i went to fubar yesterday to talk to the barman, who also happens to be in big ell's league, along with bread and pimp, concerning time management and fantasy baseball... d-wayne told me that he has 8, count 'em, 8 teams in different leagues and that i'd get used to it. every newbie spends hours staring at numbers and after awhile it won't be such an addiction... for the sake of this blog in particular, i hope he's right 'cause for the time i've been putting into it, while wonderfully intriguing, my rewards have been miniscule... just ask d-wayne, whose squad spanked my guys last week 11-3 with a tie. this week seems better and i may actually pull out a draw against my opponent... i need pitching help and i need some of my hitters to come around are i'm gonna dump their asses! that means you, joe crede! you too frank thomas you 9 million dollar oh-fer mofo!
more later.
oh yeah, kevlar has been really vain about his hair lately. more on that later too.
i have been sucked into the vortex of fantasy baseball! these last 2 weeks (has it only been 2 weeks?) i haven't been able to be on line and not find myself perusing the free agent pages, looking for that one pick up who's going to save my ass, that one arm that's gonna be the next dominant starter, delivering strikeouts by the wheelbarrow load with an era so crystal clear it sparkles, and a whip, a whip lower than kevlar's pants on a special ktv night. do i play this guy who's been struggling? (joe hole in his bat crede) striking out 3 times a day for a week or do i stick with him because tomorrow, tomorrow he's gonna break out of his slump and have a monster day, and christ i'd hate to miss out on that!
it's consuming me. it's so addictive! all sports have stats but no sport has stats like baseball stats. you can scroll through them endlessly looking for that edge, that holy grail, the lightining rod that will make you look like a genius manager. i haven't read stats like this since i collected baseball cards as a kid, so much so that i've been neglecting the blogs, not only writing for them but even reading them.
in an effort to seek help, i went to fubar yesterday to talk to the barman, who also happens to be in big ell's league, along with bread and pimp, concerning time management and fantasy baseball... d-wayne told me that he has 8, count 'em, 8 teams in different leagues and that i'd get used to it. every newbie spends hours staring at numbers and after awhile it won't be such an addiction... for the sake of this blog in particular, i hope he's right 'cause for the time i've been putting into it, while wonderfully intriguing, my rewards have been miniscule... just ask d-wayne, whose squad spanked my guys last week 11-3 with a tie. this week seems better and i may actually pull out a draw against my opponent... i need pitching help and i need some of my hitters to come around are i'm gonna dump their asses! that means you, joe crede! you too frank thomas you 9 million dollar oh-fer mofo!
more later.
oh yeah, kevlar has been really vain about his hair lately. more on that later too.
Sunday, April 15
It's a dog's life
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I always wondered why people put dogs in strollers, and why people use a scooter to walk the dog. If they are going to keep the dog in a wire aquarium why not just put handles and wheels and wheel that out. Why bother invest in the stroller? I wonder why some people also carry the dog in a shoulder carrier or backpack? I bet these dog owners secretly spread dog perfume (i.e. piss markings) around their small apartments to keep their dogs curious. A little Channel d' Chien on the corners of the sofa. Oh la la.
Wednesday, April 11
Tuesday, April 10
New Plates
This scooter has different plates. My first thought was why would anyone make their own plates. After having seen a few more of these odd looking plates I knew this is a government plan in action. I'm guessing money is saved or some department was amalgamated. Perhaps if you didn't pay your taxes, they don't print your city and province on the plate. Perhaps they are working on adding English.
The more I think about this, the more i wonder why I stop at so many red lights. Traffic lights seem to be eating up lots of "free time". I think I could get to work just as quick without coming to a complete stop and letting my eyes wander.
Saturday at the park
The "in-laws". I am sure there is a website for this place. a student review of park http://eje.ptc.edu.tw/territory/jh_english/monthly.files/9312.swf
I found several compliant blogs but no official website for the park.
Friday, April 6
kevlar quotes of the week
"you know there are no massage parlors in this neighbourhood? ...I looked."
- at some T intersection on han kou
"can i use my bank book to get money out of the atm?"
- strapped mid week
"i like the way, the feel of the fan on my body, when it blows, you know."
- a kevlar classic
- at some T intersection on han kou
"can i use my bank book to get money out of the atm?"
- strapped mid week
"i like the way, the feel of the fan on my body, when it blows, you know."
- a kevlar classic
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