Rarer than a sober Ni Howdling, a Montana Hottie and clemency for a Texas Retard all rolled into one, I witnessed and participated in an actual conversation between Kevlar and J-Hole the other night at Fubar. I figured I'd better take a few mental notes, despite my inebriation, 'cause this kinda shit just don't happen so much anymore...
For the record.
We (myself, J-Hole, Sam, D-Wayne and his old man) had just finished watching the Packers bury the Seahawks and were waiting for the Pats-Jax matchup when I got a call from Kevlar.
"You at Fubar?"
"Yep."
"OK. I'm leaving now."
Bloody rare. Wow. His wife must be out of town. Kevlar just doesn't move that quickly. Anticipating a nicotine charged chat, I walk out to the 7 on Jing Cheng to get some Nats.
When I return Kevlar's parking his bike so we walk in together.
"Whoa doggie Jethro! Where'd you come from?" says JW.
"I had to meet him out on the main street. He couldn't remember how to get here."
"Well God Damn. How you doin Kevlar?"
Kev lights a smoke and says, "Good, good. You?"
I notice D-Wayne cooking up some hot dogs. JW's eating one and so is Sam. They don't look like 7-11 dogs, they look really good and smell better.
"Want a dog?"
"Yeah!"
"There's one weiner and one sausage left. Only one bun though."
"Ryan can have the bun. He's an ass anyway. I'll take the sausage on a stick."
"There's mustard and grated cheese too."
D-Wayne fixes me one. It's delicious.
"This is awesome! Costco?"
"Yep. Pure All American Beef Weiners."
"How much were they?"
"It worked out to 20-30 NT per weiner."
"So how much. Total?"
"I couldn't fit em all in my freezer bags. I brought the odd ones down here."
"Ryan wants to know how much you paid, John."
"We just got this big ol' pack of em in ice. Good deal."
"Well, thanks for the dog. It hit the spot."
"Yeah, thanks John."
We sit back with our beer and light smokes. Kevlar leans in and grins at me and says, "Did you get a vasectomy?"
I stand up, smile and adjust myself. "No, but I hear they're cheap."
John howls, "Did he get a vasectomy? Whut?"
"I thought I read something about that somewhere."
"I think I know what you read."
"So you didn't get the onion peeled?"
"The onion peeled? No. Where did you come up with that euphemism? "
Kev shrugs.
"How about you? Did you get the party bag pierced?"
"OH! Ha! No! Heh! Heh! No I didn't. That's not too bad." Kev shifts in his seat. John coughs.
"Get the onion sliced sounds better. Causes more pain and uncomfortable shifting. I can't think of any more euphemisms for vasectomies. Can you?"
"Snipped," says John.
"OK. That's the standard. But are there any others?"
We think for a bit. Someone says Split the Raisin. Silence.
"Maybe it's cause men don't like to talk about this," says I.
"Maybe so," John scowls.
"So why are you out tonight Kev?"
"The wife's in Miaoli."
"Figured. I thought maybe you were gonna tell us she's pregnant."
"No! No. I watched the Brit Paul videos and thought that maybe I missed some fun last week."
"What did you think of them?"
"His imitation of Brett was hilarious! I pissed myself watching it. I made Anne watch it. She didn't think it was so funny."
John chimes in, " She still got the big chair and the wide computer system setup?"
"Yep. She's raising Kaia from the big chair. I call her Girl-Jabba."
John chokes-spits smoke and beer. He's pleased with what he's just heard.
"My Mom's coming on Tuesday," I said.
"I talked to my Mom the other day. She's not coming," says Kev.
"Where would you put her if she did?" I ask.
"I'd have to move."
"You still got the pit?" asked John. "You could curtain that off and put her in there," he offered.
"What did you think of BP doing you?"
"Yeah. That wasn't so funny. It coulda been anybody."
"John and Aaron sure thought it was."
"Yeah, well, what kind of name is Aaron anyway?"
John and I exchange quizzical glances.
"Pretty old, " says John.
"Jewish?" I say.
"Like his brother, Moses," says John.
Kev responds, "Yeah, wasn't he missing for like 2 years? MIA? Off the grid?"
"More like 40," answers John.
"No, not that long. They found him." Then, "His name is Moses?"
"I think you guys are talking about different people."
"My head's cold. I better put on my hat."
Kev slaps on an orange Longhorns cap. He looks like he's 16 again. He stands up, points at John and sings, "THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UP ON YOU, ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY! THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UP ON YOU! TEXAS TECH IS GAY!"
I laugh. Hard.
"Brett gave me this last time he was here."
John says, "Y'all best be careful there."
He opens his jacket to reveal his ubiquitous Tech gear.
They finally kissed and made up.
"Better a Texan of sorts than a Nova Scotian any day," says John.
I leave shortly thereafter.
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