KEVLAR EXCLUSIVE

DV: So Kevlar, it's POWER TOOL WEEK on the blog. Are you stoked?

K: Stoked? Well, um..., I'm not unstoked...

DV: But it's safe to say you're pretty excited about this week's theme?

K: It's like you guys have a window into my soul. I LOVE power tools!!!

DV: What did you think of the video clips that went up earlier in the week?

K: Not bad. I'd seen the car flipper one before. I just wanna say that you guys a FREAKIN sick to put up that video with the kid playin with the vibrator...

DV: We take absolutely no responsibility for any video that may or may not appear on the blog...

K: Well... I did chuckle a little...

DV: That kid's innocent and is totally unaware that he's playin with his mama's fav toy...

K: Right. Next question...

DV: What are your favorite power tools?

K: I like the LATHE. You can do a lot with a LATHE. It's interesting. ELECTRIC PLANERS are also very intersting. They make nice sounds...

DV: Anything else?

K: CIRCULAR SAWS are cool. I'm a fan of the TABLE SAW too. Remember when I built the TABLE SAW in my kitchen? That was maybe before you came along. Rye probably remembers. I think he has some video of it somewhere. It kicked and jumped and almost took my jesus finger off!

DV: How about DRILLS?

K: DRILLS are very important. They help to make holes. Holes need to be DRILLED.

DV: Do you have a DRILL?

K: I have one. You can't borrow it either.

DV: I didn't ask to... why are you suddenly so defensive?

K: I once used my DRILL to help RED A install some curtains at his new house. The DRILL survived but my LADDER never made it out. This was long before the GIRLS came along...

DV: Is it an ELECTRIC LADDER?

K: No. Those are called ELEVATORS...

DV: Back to DRILLS... Sorry about you LADDER...

K: Yeah, I just need some CLOSURE, that's all....I liked the DRILL PRESS when I was a kid... those knobs were fun to turn....

DV: Hose knobs?

K: Those knobs...those knobs! You knob! You know the 3 PRONGED...AH FORGET IT...

DV: What's your least favorite POWER TOOL?

K: THE SANDER. Definitely. I hate SANDERS.

DV: Why? What did SANDERS ever do to you?

K: I don't like SANDERS because it's finishing work... when the SANDING is done that means I've got to LACQUER or POLISH or VARNISH and I hate that stuff!

DV: So it's not that you hate SANDERS so much it's what follows that you don't like...

K: True.

DV: Word is you still have a POKER TABLE available. Is that true?

K: Yes and no. I sold it to DISCO DAVE for a cigarette weeks ago but he's yet to claim it...

DV: So is it available? And is it ELECTRIC?

K: I think I'll give DOUBLE D a week to get it. If he doesn't take it then I'm gonna have to raise the price to a CARTON..

DV: So the TABLE's not ELECTRIC?

K: OH, it's got all the bells and whistles. I built it with my bare hands you know...
but it's not electric you DUMBASS...

DV: Thanks for joining us today KEVLAR...

K: Yeah, sure. I want some money for the use of my name on this blog by the way...

DV: I'll put it before the board...

K: Get back to me on this one 'cause this blog sucks balls...

DV: Please don't project your anxieties on to me...

K: Just find an answer... talk to the suits who conceived this nightmare would you?

DV: As you wish YOUR KAYNESS...