Gary Kasparov & The Flying Penis (subtitled)

May Balls

What follows happened a while back but it nevertheless happened.

Kevlar: Guess what they were checking 5th grade boys for at my school today.

Rye: Lice.

Kev: Nope.

J-Hole: Leprosy.

Kev: No!

D-Wayne: Lesbians.

Kev: No! They were checking to see if their balls had dropped yet!

Rye: Did you help out?

Kev: No thank christ but when they first mentioned it I kinda thought they wanted me to go down there and help out.

J: But they didn't? They didn't want you to go down? There? To help out?

K: No! Good thing too. I'm hardly qualified.

DW: Why would they do that? Check that sort of thing?

K: I don't know. No one ever checked my balls in elementary school!

R,J, DW: -------

K: I mean, that I can remember!

Free Grass at People's Park

3:00 Sunday afternoon Kaia and I swung into people's park. We made the scene with our new blue wheels. Kaia hit the grass running for three young kids playing with beach balls. I was half way across with the push bike, when the man a crack head in a blue shirt came out whistling. I stopped kept my eyes on the Kaia. He explained how the sign said no dogs or bikes on the grass (I was walking the bike). I told him I would just put it under the trees on the opposite side.

I locked the front wheel and placed the bike behind some big green electrical box. That way while I was playing I could keep an eye on it. 25 minutes later a different crack head in a blue shirt walks the width of the field and grabs my bike. I watch as he struggles with the concept of a lock. He then starts to drag it to the curb. Ok so I know he works in the park... but .. I take Kaia away from her new friends and go to talk to The Bike Terminator. He now has my bike in an overhead body slam
position and he is crossing the width of the park again. Heading toward the shady blue shirt smoking lounge.

I intercept the guy carrying my bike I start with "Hello", he smiles at me and keeps walking with his trophy. I progress to "Hey that is my bike!" He is like oh you can't put it there. Brainfart: He is baked out of his head, My bike was not on the fucking grass! I bark out that "the other guy agreed that I could put the bike there!" (sorta). The new protector of the grass carried my tiny bike to the street and awkwardly placed it between some scooters. He said something like the bike is expensive and I should have a nice day. (No doubt proud of the grass saving. I wonder if they cry on grass cutting day.)

15 minutes later I was sitting on the bike with Kaia watching five woman sit, drum and sing. Sounded good as they sat on the wooden boardwalks under the trees. A woman wearing in-line skates comes up to me and says excuse me I need this space. I froze and looked at her like she was chewing mud. She repeats herself, cause I didn't jump to help her out. I am in a public park and you expect me to move aside so you can have a rollerblading class for profit. What kind of teacher is she who has no safety equipment, no whistle, ID badge, wrist protectors?? Set an example.
Why don't in-line skater schools find a less public place?

I don't feel like I am making something out of nothing. AND I feel like an ASS.