bread, kev and rye eating thai food monday...
K: wow, that was a great story bread. maybe i'll go get a starbucks coffee later too. but i wanna talk about nunavut.
B: OK.
K: well, nunavut is big. and not many people...
B: yep.
K: but quebec is the biggest province, so how's that work? it's the biggest with the less people...not country, but a ....
B: territory. it's a territory, kev. it broke off from the northwest territories in '99...
K: but not many people live there. why did i think it was a province?
B: i don't know. but it's not.
R: it was given to the natives for autonomous rule. first time ever. they got all of it.
B: yeah. so canada had two territories before and now there are three...
K: wait, now... if nunavut's not a province, then what's that make the yukon?
B: a territory! jesus, kevin! 35 years old and you're trying to figure out canadian geography?
K: well, i just thought that if there were less people in such a big place, it had to be a country or a province, you know?
B: no. so, it's sparsely populated. that's got nothing to do with it. listen, the yukon and northwest territories have been canadian territories for a long time. in '99, the canadian government granted the inuit self rule in their own territory, called nunavut, which was carved from the northwest territories.
R: so the northwest territories aren't as big as they used to be. the eastern side is now called nunavut.
K: OK...
B: got it?
K: some of it. so where's yellowknife?
R: didn't your brother live up there?
K: yeah, he was a chainsaw chucker!
R: yellowknife is in the northwest territories. whitehorse is in the yukon. what's the capital of nunavut? brett?
B: umm, gimmmee a minute...
K: up-tuk-be-yuk-fuk! ha-ha-ha-ha...hehheh..
B: jesus, kevlar!
R: your back hair just can't quite cover up your red neck, can it?
K: nope!
B: iqaluit!
R: yeah! and before it was...
K: fisherman's bay!
R: nice try...frobisher bay! christ, brett's a yank and he knows more about than you do...
K: well,...shut up!
Tuesday, May 29
Wednesday, May 23
Tuesday, May 22
Pet pink Pig, piggy bank named Penny from Brett
The big pig went over very well with the little one. She combines her musical interests with her love of sorting things into containers. Guess I'm just saying putting coins in the pig makes it sing.
Sunday, May 20
Tuesday, May 15
Tin foil
R: Are you prepped for your interview on wednesday?
K: You mean the one at the place I have been working for almost three years?
R: No dumbass the one at work!
K: Oh.. um yeah I think I will use my "food analogy".
R: you said "Anal - gee".
K: Will you stop thinking about ass. You are so assine.
R: oh a three syllable word. woo
K: Shut up terd smoker!
R: So what are you going to say when they ask you to improve the program.
K: I'm going to talk about food
R: What?
K: They are Taiwanese, I think they wanna ask about teaching English and listen to me talk about food.
R: How is that going to work, dicktree?
K: I am gonna say school is like a buffet. Our program is great. Immagine "English conversation class" is like eating lunch. a bowl of rice is like a book. a pen is like chopsticks. some of "die hard dick (or D.H.D. variation of A.D.D" students. like to eat rice with out chopsticks i.e. with their fingers. and some students are J.A.H ( Just ain't hungry). They had pudding in Chinese class. Cake in P.E. class. Steak in Chemistry class.
R: you are weird.
K: I'm just saying when some students get t o " English converstion class" they are just not hungry! I offer ice cream and they are just too full. They got no bowl and no spoon.
R: Have you tried offering them something to drink?
K: Now yer' pulling your brain out of your ass. You get what I'm saying.
R: Yer makin' me cranky
K: Yer' always cranky cranky. I apologize for not sanding your rocking chair, splinter buttocks guy.
R: I think in your interview you should focus more on the nips and less on the ass.
K: God your racist. You marry one American, have two Canadian children and then get creepy weepy. Didn't I tell you to squeeze with your cheeks not with your fingers!
R: I like to touch my poop.
K: And you think I am the strange one?@$!%??
R: I hope you blow your interview and get fired.
K: I hope I don't so I still get a chance to listen to your stupid cold jokes.
R: If you get fired I will see you at Fubar.
K: Oh yeah I will be a stay at home dad and spend my allowance at the bar.
R: How is diarehea hereitary?
K: Ahh.. umm your wife cooks poorly for your children.
R: Nope. It runs in your jeans.
K: who needs A/C with you around.
R: You will when you get fired for comparing A.D.D. children to bad apples.
K: I heard Tinfoil is not going back to be a "REAL teacher". She is going to work in the main office.
R: What ?
K: She is going to push play on the cassette player when there is a listening test.
R: What if it eats the tape?
K: Will you stop talking?
K: You mean the one at the place I have been working for almost three years?
R: No dumbass the one at work!
K: Oh.. um yeah I think I will use my "food analogy".
R: you said "Anal - gee".
K: Will you stop thinking about ass. You are so assine.
R: oh a three syllable word. woo
K: Shut up terd smoker!
R: So what are you going to say when they ask you to improve the program.
K: I'm going to talk about food
R: What?
K: They are Taiwanese, I think they wanna ask about teaching English and listen to me talk about food.
R: How is that going to work, dicktree?
K: I am gonna say school is like a buffet. Our program is great. Immagine "English conversation class" is like eating lunch. a bowl of rice is like a book. a pen is like chopsticks. some of "die hard dick (or D.H.D. variation of A.D.D" students. like to eat rice with out chopsticks i.e. with their fingers. and some students are J.A.H ( Just ain't hungry). They had pudding in Chinese class. Cake in P.E. class. Steak in Chemistry class.
R: you are weird.
K: I'm just saying when some students get t o " English converstion class" they are just not hungry! I offer ice cream and they are just too full. They got no bowl and no spoon.
R: Have you tried offering them something to drink?
K: Now yer' pulling your brain out of your ass. You get what I'm saying.
R: Yer makin' me cranky
K: Yer' always cranky cranky. I apologize for not sanding your rocking chair, splinter buttocks guy.
R: I think in your interview you should focus more on the nips and less on the ass.
K: God your racist. You marry one American, have two Canadian children and then get creepy weepy. Didn't I tell you to squeeze with your cheeks not with your fingers!
R: I like to touch my poop.
K: And you think I am the strange one?@$!%??
R: I hope you blow your interview and get fired.
K: I hope I don't so I still get a chance to listen to your stupid cold jokes.
R: If you get fired I will see you at Fubar.
K: Oh yeah I will be a stay at home dad and spend my allowance at the bar.
R: How is diarehea hereitary?
K: Ahh.. umm your wife cooks poorly for your children.
R: Nope. It runs in your jeans.
K: who needs A/C with you around.
R: You will when you get fired for comparing A.D.D. children to bad apples.
K: I heard Tinfoil is not going back to be a "REAL teacher". She is going to work in the main office.
R: What ?
K: She is going to push play on the cassette player when there is a listening test.
R: What if it eats the tape?
K: Will you stop talking?
Friday, May 11
Cranky boy
I just watched this on google and the words "lyrics" and pics "photos" are mis-matched. SHOOT@#$!
Wednesday, May 9
kevlar quote of the day
"I used sandalwood shampoo in my hair this morning. Do you think it makes my ass look big?"
jeans auction!
by the way, if you like the look of kevlar's new denim duds, he's auctioning them off to raise money for mother's day. the miaoli tradition demands the son-in-law be responsible for the mother-in-law, hence the sale of his beloved jeans to help with the cost of a generous money gift, a cake, dinner at a fancy seafood joint and varnish for her wooden leg.
bids open now!
bids open now!
Poker
Ok. so fast willy nilly Bbbread is coming around. Do you think a card game will break out? Perhaps we could all book some banquet room/ conference room... cause i just don't think j-hole is going to host.
Tuesday, May 8
'let your find taste lead you to the world of the marvelous!'
K: update, update!
R: i've never seen you so geared for a new post before.
K: well, someone's gotta post and it's not gonna be me!
R: obviously. you're lucky you are who you are and not someone else or you'd be sent packin'.
K: well it's a good thing i am 'cause if i weren't you'd have some explainin' to do.
R: i put motion before the board to change the blog's name...
K: gasp!
R: that's right. you're too cranky and conservative lately. ever since you started wearing jeans you think you can just rest on your laurels...
K: what? what's a laurel?
R: you're just not as zany as you used to be.
K: i was never zany!
R: you were way back when. i'm gonna have to fictionalize your ass!
K: oh? not my ass!
R: as you know everything that's been written on this blog to this point has been entirely true...
K: rrright...rye... and bread's a fagget.
R: no, he's gonna kick yer ass when he gets here! i'm thinking captain kevlar and the world of the marvelous! we're gonna dress you up in tights and a cape!
K: nothing too marvelous about my life.
R; how about your wife? you said she had turned over a new leaf.
K: yeah, well the leaf turning was ok for a while...
R; and?
K: she doesn't like my attitude at three in the morning and i've had the kid all day and she wants to talk about her feelings, i wanna sleep woman! ... i don't wanna talk about it. by the way rye did you get in to school 'cause i didn't!
R: i know. too bad about that outstanding rape charge... you never told me why you really came to taiwan...
K: piss off! math! i need one math credit!
R: well, i got wait listed...
K: what's that mean?
R: that means they'll tell me sometime in the next few months whether i'm in or out.
K: geez...
R: in the meantime, i'm interviewing for my job for the 5th time in 5 years on monday...
K: good ol' wei dao...
R: yep. but grace is leaving..
K: yeah... that'll be weird... who's gonna replace her?
R: no idea...
K: have you told brett about the fish tank?
R: no. i'll tell him when he gets here.
K: tell the truth now.
R: i will and you'll back me up.
K: i'll stay out of it that's what i'll do!
R: after all it's kinda your fault.
K: not!
R: and he needs wheels when he's here. i offered him the honda hog but i don't know if i'll be able to bet in running in time... he may need to borrow your scooter...
K: no problem! i'll put cranberries in the gas tank!
R: excellent!
K: how's your fantasy team?
R: argh! still in imaginary last place. if i shut my eyes real tight i can almost visualize success... que sera sera. i'm not getting fake stressed about it anymore. i just don't know how long i should hang on to frank thomas.
K: cut 'em! send him camping. camping!
R: yeah, maybe... bread offered me a trade but i didn't take it. i think he was pretty pissed about it too...
K: oh, how do you know?
R: called me a loser and swore several times. oh yeah and he called me a commie fagget.
K: that's normal. do you think lawyer boy is any more sensitive to people's feelings now? 'cause i'm feeling a little fragile these days...
R: well buck up! get ready! pack the wife off to beijing for a week! she needs a vacation anyway...
K: maybe i will! that'd be marvelous!
R: ok i gotta end this thing...
K: well no one stopping you...
R: how 'bout a video this week mr topless tease?
K: you got it!
R: i've never seen you so geared for a new post before.
K: well, someone's gotta post and it's not gonna be me!
R: obviously. you're lucky you are who you are and not someone else or you'd be sent packin'.
K: well it's a good thing i am 'cause if i weren't you'd have some explainin' to do.
R: i put motion before the board to change the blog's name...
K: gasp!
R: that's right. you're too cranky and conservative lately. ever since you started wearing jeans you think you can just rest on your laurels...
K: what? what's a laurel?
R: you're just not as zany as you used to be.
K: i was never zany!
R: you were way back when. i'm gonna have to fictionalize your ass!
K: oh? not my ass!
R: as you know everything that's been written on this blog to this point has been entirely true...
K: rrright...rye... and bread's a fagget.
R: no, he's gonna kick yer ass when he gets here! i'm thinking captain kevlar and the world of the marvelous! we're gonna dress you up in tights and a cape!
K: nothing too marvelous about my life.
R; how about your wife? you said she had turned over a new leaf.
K: yeah, well the leaf turning was ok for a while...
R; and?
K: she doesn't like my attitude at three in the morning and i've had the kid all day and she wants to talk about her feelings, i wanna sleep woman! ... i don't wanna talk about it. by the way rye did you get in to school 'cause i didn't!
R: i know. too bad about that outstanding rape charge... you never told me why you really came to taiwan...
K: piss off! math! i need one math credit!
R: well, i got wait listed...
K: what's that mean?
R: that means they'll tell me sometime in the next few months whether i'm in or out.
K: geez...
R: in the meantime, i'm interviewing for my job for the 5th time in 5 years on monday...
K: good ol' wei dao...
R: yep. but grace is leaving..
K: yeah... that'll be weird... who's gonna replace her?
R: no idea...
K: have you told brett about the fish tank?
R: no. i'll tell him when he gets here.
K: tell the truth now.
R: i will and you'll back me up.
K: i'll stay out of it that's what i'll do!
R: after all it's kinda your fault.
K: not!
R: and he needs wheels when he's here. i offered him the honda hog but i don't know if i'll be able to bet in running in time... he may need to borrow your scooter...
K: no problem! i'll put cranberries in the gas tank!
R: excellent!
K: how's your fantasy team?
R: argh! still in imaginary last place. if i shut my eyes real tight i can almost visualize success... que sera sera. i'm not getting fake stressed about it anymore. i just don't know how long i should hang on to frank thomas.
K: cut 'em! send him camping. camping!
R: yeah, maybe... bread offered me a trade but i didn't take it. i think he was pretty pissed about it too...
K: oh, how do you know?
R: called me a loser and swore several times. oh yeah and he called me a commie fagget.
K: that's normal. do you think lawyer boy is any more sensitive to people's feelings now? 'cause i'm feeling a little fragile these days...
R: well buck up! get ready! pack the wife off to beijing for a week! she needs a vacation anyway...
K: maybe i will! that'd be marvelous!
R: ok i gotta end this thing...
K: well no one stopping you...
R: how 'bout a video this week mr topless tease?
K: you got it!
Wednesday, May 2
Monday, April 23
fantasy blues, kevlar digs
K: how are this morning rye?
R: better than my fantasy team, that's for sure.
K: oh, still doing that are you?
R: it never ends. and it's only 3 weeks in...
K: oh, yes.
R: i was ahead all week. i thought i had a chance to win my matchup but looking at the numbers this morning i think i've firmly solidified my hold on last place...
K: i don't understand.
R: i'm pretty sure my team blew a 12 run lead on the last day...
K: ouch. that sucks.
R: fuckin right, the final tallies aren't in yet but it's gonna be ugly... i'm gonna get hammered.
K: maybe you should wait until you get home. it's hard to teach drunk.
R: good one. can't you sympathize a little?
K: nope. sorry. i got a new haircut! no more sideburns!
R: yes, i see you got sheared. my opponent's players had awesome days at the plate...
K: are you just gonna talk about baseball all morning?
R: i can't stop thinking about it. i feel so beaten.
K: this is fantasy baseball, right?
R: yeah.
K: so it's not real, right?
R: well, the stats are real.
K: faaan-taah-seee! you can't be upset because it's fake! you should relax!
R: so my depression is just in my head. it's imaginary, so really i feel great and am happy and contented. so that's what sandy has been saying!
K: someone's got to be in last place.
R: according to your logic, i'm not really in last place, it's just a hallucination!
K: now you're talkin'!
R: i can't believe you're the one i have to talk to about baseball.
K: you're the one talking about it! i wanna talk about my trip to carrefour last night! fuckin... the in-laws were apparently in town on the weekend and got a locker there and forgot their stuff in it when they left so the wife asked me to go pick it up, and you know what, the lockers there are not coin operated! they're combination locks!
R: gee.
K: yeah! so i thought it was way better than some locker where you may or may not get your money back, huh?
R: i guess. this isn't making me feel better you know.
K: i find it fascinating!
R: you would. this is not more interesting than baseball.
K: says you! tell you what rye, why don't you sprinkle some fairy dust and fly over your little baseball rainbow, fire the illusion of yourself and rehire yourself under another name. there! maybe your fake team will respond better to different fake manager!
R: maybe it's the beard.
K: it can't be helping.
R: damn, you're really getting your digs in today aren't you?
K: seems like you can't get any lower anyway...
R: you are really enjoying kicking me while i'm down... good thing this conversation never happened.
K: oh yeah!
R: and since we're not talking about anything real today, how about all those imaginary KTV spots you've been producing?
K: oh yeah! they're there!
R: AJ needs his fix!
K: how do you know?
R: i saw him at the chili cook off. your bike was there. didn't see you around...
K: oh yeah!
R: somebody peed on it. shat in the helmet too.
K: horseshit!
R: no, i think was dog shit but i could be wrong...
K: oh you're wrong!
R: we're late for class. i gotta go...
K: i have no class...
R: that's for sure...
K: i'll forget i heard that.
R: you gotta prep a KTV spot, please. and watch Roof Top Kevlar!
K: fine.
R: working title was Kevlar: Roof Nazi!
K: ?
R: better than my fantasy team, that's for sure.
K: oh, still doing that are you?
R: it never ends. and it's only 3 weeks in...
K: oh, yes.
R: i was ahead all week. i thought i had a chance to win my matchup but looking at the numbers this morning i think i've firmly solidified my hold on last place...
K: i don't understand.
R: i'm pretty sure my team blew a 12 run lead on the last day...
K: ouch. that sucks.
R: fuckin right, the final tallies aren't in yet but it's gonna be ugly... i'm gonna get hammered.
K: maybe you should wait until you get home. it's hard to teach drunk.
R: good one. can't you sympathize a little?
K: nope. sorry. i got a new haircut! no more sideburns!
R: yes, i see you got sheared. my opponent's players had awesome days at the plate...
K: are you just gonna talk about baseball all morning?
R: i can't stop thinking about it. i feel so beaten.
K: this is fantasy baseball, right?
R: yeah.
K: so it's not real, right?
R: well, the stats are real.
K: faaan-taah-seee! you can't be upset because it's fake! you should relax!
R: so my depression is just in my head. it's imaginary, so really i feel great and am happy and contented. so that's what sandy has been saying!
K: someone's got to be in last place.
R: according to your logic, i'm not really in last place, it's just a hallucination!
K: now you're talkin'!
R: i can't believe you're the one i have to talk to about baseball.
K: you're the one talking about it! i wanna talk about my trip to carrefour last night! fuckin... the in-laws were apparently in town on the weekend and got a locker there and forgot their stuff in it when they left so the wife asked me to go pick it up, and you know what, the lockers there are not coin operated! they're combination locks!
R: gee.
K: yeah! so i thought it was way better than some locker where you may or may not get your money back, huh?
R: i guess. this isn't making me feel better you know.
K: i find it fascinating!
R: you would. this is not more interesting than baseball.
K: says you! tell you what rye, why don't you sprinkle some fairy dust and fly over your little baseball rainbow, fire the illusion of yourself and rehire yourself under another name. there! maybe your fake team will respond better to different fake manager!
R: maybe it's the beard.
K: it can't be helping.
R: damn, you're really getting your digs in today aren't you?
K: seems like you can't get any lower anyway...
R: you are really enjoying kicking me while i'm down... good thing this conversation never happened.
K: oh yeah!
R: and since we're not talking about anything real today, how about all those imaginary KTV spots you've been producing?
K: oh yeah! they're there!
R: AJ needs his fix!
K: how do you know?
R: i saw him at the chili cook off. your bike was there. didn't see you around...
K: oh yeah!
R: somebody peed on it. shat in the helmet too.
K: horseshit!
R: no, i think was dog shit but i could be wrong...
K: oh you're wrong!
R: we're late for class. i gotta go...
K: i have no class...
R: that's for sure...
K: i'll forget i heard that.
R: you gotta prep a KTV spot, please. and watch Roof Top Kevlar!
K: fine.
R: working title was Kevlar: Roof Nazi!
K: ?
Friday, April 20
news from the plantation
or, more reasons to never work at wei dao...
last friday the 13th, a very pregnant co-worker of mine, a taiwanese citizen, went on maternity leave as her baby was due on monday. by law she is entitled to something like 56 days paid leave on either side of the birth... as of right now the baby still hasn't been born and yesterday, the dean of personnel here at psycho high, ostensibly a "catholic" school, was furious that she hadn't yet delivered the baby and ordered her back to work today. i shit you not. back to work slave! good god! and get this, she actually came. blows my mind! she's teaching right now while her husband, who was scheduled to have covered her classes, sits in the office. she can barely move. for the record, our supervisor did nothing to back her up and just tries to cover this dickensian move with more of her lies, "no this is normal, all taiwanese women do this..." bullshit they do...and our director, captain useless just sits aroud his office all day playing solitaire waiting for feeding times....
while i i'm on the subject, i missed a couple days of work when my son was born and did some research online to find out about paternity leave. by law, new fathers are to be given 2 days paid leave... by law... i printed it out and showed my supervisor and the director as they smiled and pretended to be concerned about my situation... after all, i have a young family and missed a lot of classes on those days...
the answer i got back?
"ryan, because we are a private school, we don't have to follow the law."
"so i won't get paid? eventhough by law the school is required to pay me?"
"that's right. sorry."
big smiles.
my situation barely merited blogging but the one with co-worker certainly does. i hope she gives birth this afternoon in the 3rd floor lobby of the language center! i'll cut the fuckin umbilical!
this wins hands down as the cruelest, most black hearted authoritarian decree ever at school i've worked at...
dumber than when the government deported my 18 month old son last summer...
fuckers.
last friday the 13th, a very pregnant co-worker of mine, a taiwanese citizen, went on maternity leave as her baby was due on monday. by law she is entitled to something like 56 days paid leave on either side of the birth... as of right now the baby still hasn't been born and yesterday, the dean of personnel here at psycho high, ostensibly a "catholic" school, was furious that she hadn't yet delivered the baby and ordered her back to work today. i shit you not. back to work slave! good god! and get this, she actually came. blows my mind! she's teaching right now while her husband, who was scheduled to have covered her classes, sits in the office. she can barely move. for the record, our supervisor did nothing to back her up and just tries to cover this dickensian move with more of her lies, "no this is normal, all taiwanese women do this..." bullshit they do...and our director, captain useless just sits aroud his office all day playing solitaire waiting for feeding times....
while i i'm on the subject, i missed a couple days of work when my son was born and did some research online to find out about paternity leave. by law, new fathers are to be given 2 days paid leave... by law... i printed it out and showed my supervisor and the director as they smiled and pretended to be concerned about my situation... after all, i have a young family and missed a lot of classes on those days...
the answer i got back?
"ryan, because we are a private school, we don't have to follow the law."
"so i won't get paid? eventhough by law the school is required to pay me?"
"that's right. sorry."
big smiles.
my situation barely merited blogging but the one with co-worker certainly does. i hope she gives birth this afternoon in the 3rd floor lobby of the language center! i'll cut the fuckin umbilical!
this wins hands down as the cruelest, most black hearted authoritarian decree ever at school i've worked at...
dumber than when the government deported my 18 month old son last summer...
fuckers.
Monday, April 16
hair sandwich
like i said in the last post, kevlar has been really uppity lately about his hair. it's fluffier than usual, almost feathery in it's appearance. he struts around the office at flinging his locks "...like he's in a hair commercial." in fact, he's so confident that he's taken to dissing my hair! this is what he said to me the other day...
K: hey rye, what are you gonna do about that bald spot on the back of your head?
R: i don't know, what are you gonna do about those buck teeth?
K: shut up!
R: listen, bread is coming back.
K: yeah, you said.
R: he's coming may 20th for 10 days.
K: what? it's april buddy! ... fuck you!
R: yes, i know it's april.
K: that's in 4 days.
R: he's coming in may! may!
K: you said april.
R: no, i said may! dick! anyway, when he gets here he's gonna put your hair to shame so you better stop strutin' around like you're the cock of the walk.
K: at least i know better than to grow pubes on my face!
R: now that's just mean.
K: i'm not sorry!
R; you know what i think? i think you're projecting your own hair anxieties on to others. i could have an afro in a matter of months!
K: yeah well you do that.
R: maybe i will. didn't you have something to say about your last haircut?
K: yeah, she used a bowie knife instead of scissors. she didn't really cut it, she just kind of chopped.
R: sheesh. you're a liar.
K: this really happened. i shit you not. you know rye, if i spent any more time on my hair, i'd be at work a lot less...
R: i don't know what that's supposed to mean. i see you have been wearing jeans lately. i don't think any of our friends have ever seen you jeans.
K: yeah, i look pretty good too, huh?
R: you're just wearing them 'cause bread's coming back.
K: and at work we have this new wear tight pants policy instituted by that head teacher.
R: and you'll be rewarded for that.
K: how?
R: maybe you'll get a fruit basket. or a certificate of ass appreciation. which would you prefer?
K: some appreciation would be nice, i know aaron really likes my body...
R: i remember. if he had your body, he'd be getting laid all the time.
K: and if i had his brain, i'd put to better use.
R: better than what he does with it? i doubt it.
K: oh yeah! maybe we should switch bodies for a week.
R: i bet he'd be into that, wife swapping and all that.
K: oh yeah!
R; wouldn't you be jealous of him with your wife?
K: yeah well, the joke'd be on him, my wife won't touch me!
R: did you see the pics he put up of his wife's foot infections?
K: no.
R: not for sensitive viewers.
K: oh. i wasn't sure which way you were going with that.
R: again you're projecting your own fetishes on to me.
K: i hate you!
R: why aren't you happy? bread's coming!
K: hey rye, what are you gonna do about that bald spot on the back of your head?
R: i don't know, what are you gonna do about those buck teeth?
K: shut up!
R: listen, bread is coming back.
K: yeah, you said.
R: he's coming may 20th for 10 days.
K: what? it's april buddy! ... fuck you!
R: yes, i know it's april.
K: that's in 4 days.
R: he's coming in may! may!
K: you said april.
R: no, i said may! dick! anyway, when he gets here he's gonna put your hair to shame so you better stop strutin' around like you're the cock of the walk.
K: at least i know better than to grow pubes on my face!
R: now that's just mean.
K: i'm not sorry!
R; you know what i think? i think you're projecting your own hair anxieties on to others. i could have an afro in a matter of months!
K: yeah well you do that.
R: maybe i will. didn't you have something to say about your last haircut?
K: yeah, she used a bowie knife instead of scissors. she didn't really cut it, she just kind of chopped.
R: sheesh. you're a liar.
K: this really happened. i shit you not. you know rye, if i spent any more time on my hair, i'd be at work a lot less...
R: i don't know what that's supposed to mean. i see you have been wearing jeans lately. i don't think any of our friends have ever seen you jeans.
K: yeah, i look pretty good too, huh?
R: you're just wearing them 'cause bread's coming back.
K: and at work we have this new wear tight pants policy instituted by that head teacher.
R: and you'll be rewarded for that.
K: how?
R: maybe you'll get a fruit basket. or a certificate of ass appreciation. which would you prefer?
K: some appreciation would be nice, i know aaron really likes my body...
R: i remember. if he had your body, he'd be getting laid all the time.
K: and if i had his brain, i'd put to better use.
R: better than what he does with it? i doubt it.
K: oh yeah! maybe we should switch bodies for a week.
R: i bet he'd be into that, wife swapping and all that.
K: oh yeah!
R; wouldn't you be jealous of him with your wife?
K: yeah well, the joke'd be on him, my wife won't touch me!
R: did you see the pics he put up of his wife's foot infections?
K: no.
R: not for sensitive viewers.
K: oh. i wasn't sure which way you were going with that.
R: again you're projecting your own fetishes on to me.
K: i hate you!
R: why aren't you happy? bread's coming!
"this guy thinks he's running a baseball team." - my darling sandstress
i have been sucked into the vortex of fantasy baseball! these last 2 weeks (has it only been 2 weeks?) i haven't been able to be on line and not find myself perusing the free agent pages, looking for that one pick up who's going to save my ass, that one arm that's gonna be the next dominant starter, delivering strikeouts by the wheelbarrow load with an era so crystal clear it sparkles, and a whip, a whip lower than kevlar's pants on a special ktv night. do i play this guy who's been struggling? (joe hole in his bat crede) striking out 3 times a day for a week or do i stick with him because tomorrow, tomorrow he's gonna break out of his slump and have a monster day, and christ i'd hate to miss out on that!
it's consuming me. it's so addictive! all sports have stats but no sport has stats like baseball stats. you can scroll through them endlessly looking for that edge, that holy grail, the lightining rod that will make you look like a genius manager. i haven't read stats like this since i collected baseball cards as a kid, so much so that i've been neglecting the blogs, not only writing for them but even reading them.
in an effort to seek help, i went to fubar yesterday to talk to the barman, who also happens to be in big ell's league, along with bread and pimp, concerning time management and fantasy baseball... d-wayne told me that he has 8, count 'em, 8 teams in different leagues and that i'd get used to it. every newbie spends hours staring at numbers and after awhile it won't be such an addiction... for the sake of this blog in particular, i hope he's right 'cause for the time i've been putting into it, while wonderfully intriguing, my rewards have been miniscule... just ask d-wayne, whose squad spanked my guys last week 11-3 with a tie. this week seems better and i may actually pull out a draw against my opponent... i need pitching help and i need some of my hitters to come around are i'm gonna dump their asses! that means you, joe crede! you too frank thomas you 9 million dollar oh-fer mofo!
more later.
oh yeah, kevlar has been really vain about his hair lately. more on that later too.
i have been sucked into the vortex of fantasy baseball! these last 2 weeks (has it only been 2 weeks?) i haven't been able to be on line and not find myself perusing the free agent pages, looking for that one pick up who's going to save my ass, that one arm that's gonna be the next dominant starter, delivering strikeouts by the wheelbarrow load with an era so crystal clear it sparkles, and a whip, a whip lower than kevlar's pants on a special ktv night. do i play this guy who's been struggling? (joe hole in his bat crede) striking out 3 times a day for a week or do i stick with him because tomorrow, tomorrow he's gonna break out of his slump and have a monster day, and christ i'd hate to miss out on that!
it's consuming me. it's so addictive! all sports have stats but no sport has stats like baseball stats. you can scroll through them endlessly looking for that edge, that holy grail, the lightining rod that will make you look like a genius manager. i haven't read stats like this since i collected baseball cards as a kid, so much so that i've been neglecting the blogs, not only writing for them but even reading them.
in an effort to seek help, i went to fubar yesterday to talk to the barman, who also happens to be in big ell's league, along with bread and pimp, concerning time management and fantasy baseball... d-wayne told me that he has 8, count 'em, 8 teams in different leagues and that i'd get used to it. every newbie spends hours staring at numbers and after awhile it won't be such an addiction... for the sake of this blog in particular, i hope he's right 'cause for the time i've been putting into it, while wonderfully intriguing, my rewards have been miniscule... just ask d-wayne, whose squad spanked my guys last week 11-3 with a tie. this week seems better and i may actually pull out a draw against my opponent... i need pitching help and i need some of my hitters to come around are i'm gonna dump their asses! that means you, joe crede! you too frank thomas you 9 million dollar oh-fer mofo!
more later.
oh yeah, kevlar has been really vain about his hair lately. more on that later too.
Sunday, April 15
It's a dog's life
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I always wondered why people put dogs in strollers, and why people use a scooter to walk the dog. If they are going to keep the dog in a wire aquarium why not just put handles and wheels and wheel that out. Why bother invest in the stroller? I wonder why some people also carry the dog in a shoulder carrier or backpack? I bet these dog owners secretly spread dog perfume (i.e. piss markings) around their small apartments to keep their dogs curious. A little Channel d' Chien on the corners of the sofa. Oh la la.
Wednesday, April 11
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