Sunday, April 20

The Strollers New Captain


He seems to like everything.

Kaoshing-shung



I was here the week before last. It was one of the highlights of the trip. This fancy restaurant had carts that came around and offered "Speciality Food". There was a menu and then you let your eyes wander and add it to the bill. Fancy fun

Last week it was free, now it is 10,000 and climbing




The cats are still alive and playful. My co-worker wants to unload his cat I offered to help him out with "Permenant Farm Stay". The wifey says no thanks. I have been making less frequent trips to Meow-li so I have not being swinging by the supermarkets to pick up sacks of cat food. Someone else has been paying to feed the cats that belong to my wiffe-y-poo.

Here is the car I was offered for free last weekend. The offer landed on the table while I was visiting some of my inlaws in Kaoshiung. Of course I asked "what is wrong with it?" and the response was "nothing".
This weekend I took it for a spin, 5spd, a/c,cd player, good rubber, does highway speeds just fine... the catch.. 7000 in taxes per year and they are due shortly.
Does that seem like a lot? I think something is lost in translation. I think I would like to have a car, a weekend beater.
As the Wifflewoman now has a brother and sister living in different parts of hte the city.. I wonder if I had a car how often would the wife suggest I pick up her sibblings and head for the LI for a gay old time

Wednesday, April 16

Drug Poll

Help Kevlar choose a new drug.
bin lang
crack
pot
liquor
acid
junk
speed
coke
glue
ketamine
sex
tea
  
pollcode.com free polls

Former Smoker Sighting

There was a Kevlar sighting at 6:07 pm Monday evening near the Xiang Shang market area. Witnesses reported seeing a hairy ape shaped java man not smoking and carrying some squirmy offspring. He seemed for foraging for bian dangs and beer.

R: I can't believe you quit smoking.

K: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

R: No one believes it.

K: Who's no one?

R: Everyone. It's gotta be bullshit.

K: It's hard. I need a new drug.

R: Need or want?

K: Want. Need. Take your pick.

R: One that won't make you sick?

K: Right. I like beer.

R: One that won't hurt your head?

K: Okaaay... I like beer.

R: Too bad sex isn't a drug, eh? You could get some of that.

K: Beer's more likely.

R: So you're just not smoking in class now, right?

K: Nowhere.

R: But smoking defined you, man. It's like John quitting drinking.

K: Not so. More like Aaron quitting war games. Heee...

R: Or planning for world domination. What are we supposed to call the blog now?

K: It's still smoking.

R: The blog?

K: Yep. I can smell it. It stinks now.

R: Speaking of stinking. My fantasy team sucks. Thanks for asking.

K: You play Bread yet?

R: Yep. Beat him but lost hard last week.

K: Bad?

R: Real bad. Got Pimp this week.

K: Gee, if he beats you than I guess that makes you a dirty whore.

R: Want a cigarette?

K: No.

R: You sure? They're yummy.

K: I don't smoke brown ones.

R: Racist.

K: I don't smoke the white ones either.

R: You should get into bin lang.

K: As my new drug?

R: Yeah. And open a glass box shop. Your in-laws are in the biz right?

K: Were. Are. Maybe.

R: Anne could sell bin lang. You could have a new drug and red teeth.

K: Don't you have somewhere to be?

I left after that cause yeah I did have somewhere I needed to be. I was hoping our readers could help find Kevlar a new drug. Beer and coffee are ineligible cause he's already addicted to them. Give it some thought and post a suggestion in the comment box or I'll put up a poll or something...

Tuesday, April 15

Secret Japanese attacks on the USA WWII

Ry, why have you never mentioned this video?

Monday, April 14

My Name is Earl

My Name is Earl. Just watched two seasons of this on DVD. It is has elements of white trash, a la trailer park boys. The two main characters Earl and Randy do some gut splitting funny stuff.

Friday, April 4

Park and Office

Tuesday after lunch I stood in the school park socializing and I saw a woman wiping, spreading and wiping a dog's butt. This reminded me of silly dog owners... that dress up dogs and run around with the "dog stroller".
Wednesday my new co-worker stepped on the scale. I leaned in 'cause I wondered. Yeah, ok he weighs 10 kilos or if you wanna think about it for a moment.. he actually weighs something like 130 kg. The wheel went around once.

Wednesday, April 2

Sodomized Man wins Lotto with Ticket Left Behind by Rapist

For this assignment I asked my students to choose one of five possible events, a disaster, an emergency, a lucky break, a mystery or a triumph. This kid misunderstood and incorporated all five into his story.

Untitled

Tim, 17, was had a disaster last night. Someone was break into his home and rape(d) him with a sense of triumph. After the man (was) gone, he thought that emergency is over eventually. The day after that, he find a receipt on the floor. He pick it up and it correspond (to) today's (winning) lottery number. What a lucky break! And he suddenly find he won the lottery! It was the biggest mystery in his whole life!

Monday, March 31

Ethereal One

This kid kinda slept/daydreamed his way through the first semester but has lately taken more of an interest. Or not. This is called Mystery. (Pretty creative titling, no?)

It's a special place! There's nothing. Stepping on to here, all come to a full stop. Everything is nonsense. Time? No. I don't know when I wake up. I just can't see little by little. My thought turn slow, more slow, then still. My soul seems to disappear. There is not any mood that stay here. Then I fall asleep. Maybe it's just a dream. But it has shown up in my life for a long time. It disturbs my learning. No one can help me.

Cricket



I went out to watch some matches on Saturday. I was surprised how much a cricket bat is a cross between a ping pong paddle and a tennis racquet. The ball is about the size of a hardball but it is covered with spongy rubber and has slits cut in it.
There was lots of beer, teams from all over the island and few spectators.
The event was on Xiang Xang behind the post office, I went to support my co-workers in the tournament and I learned everything I ever wanted to know about cricket.

Sunday, March 30

Poker with Ponce

I got a phone call at 6:31 "Hi Kevin, Are you going to

play..." Confidently I respond something about small

children going to sleep and I will get there, if these

things come together.

With a bag full of beer and soft drinks I pitch at 7:15.

To the left I see Karl and to my other left there is Dave,

who refers to me as Ry and asks me where is his

poker table? I had to remind him, he missed the boat

that was years ago and he and I have had this

conversation more than once...

So Karl and Dave break out the one player x-box

Grand theft auto Miami Vice German edition. I had a

smirnoff ice and put my feet up, and started to drift off.

Concerned the game didn't make sense Karl kept the

barge of questions steady. One that caught me "How do

you get blowjobs from street hookers?" Too which Dave

was quick to say you take them in the car and you fuck'em

and the car moves.
Sex in a video game is 14 year-old male nonsense. Karl

has been bumping his head on the low beams.

Sam arrives about 8, then Brett at 8:30, Jeff 8:45. = six


Slow loud really smoky. Max bet 30 unless stated otherwise

makes it really hard to catch up, or push anyone out. I hate

Kings and Little ones. I do not want to play 31 in a box with

a fox, with a spoon or a fork, not with a dork or a noob.

I lost 1400 and after one phone call left at 2:00, went home

and had drunk sex, well I was drunk.

This morning I am coughing like I have a cold. I recently

met some non smokers, then I read Allen Carr's free online

pdf book Scandal. It struck a bell and I have been smoke

free just over two weeks.

1. Constant cough 2. improved sense of smell and taste

3. bleeding gums 4.tired/ tiredness 5. my hands don't stink

Poker may not have been any fun but at least the clouds

didn't tempt me to smoke at all. I am really surprised to

re-learn what cigarettes actually smell like. As Sandy once

said "Well Kevin, I wasn't planning on being a smoker my

whole life." i think i have wasted too much time.

Or drinking more beer without cigarettes is a new

kinda high, that leads to a grumpy morning hangover.

Thursday, March 27

Here come mid-terms


What do you think of these clothes?

Disaster

My classmate Leo is a male prostitute. He always does work after school. He met a man in front of a park which is next to his house. He had to do something with the man because he needed much money for his life. After the work he was happy and he made the man happy, too. I think he has to work hard for his age. I hope him careful if he does this work. He is the friend who I don't want to lose.

Wednesday, March 26

Student Stories

Last week I had some Senior High students prepare some stories for me for presentation. I'm gonna publish some of them here not cause they're amazing or anything, just cause they're, well, odd and they kinda cracked me up. They had to base their stories around one of five events - a disaster, an emergency, a lucky break, a triumph or a mystery.

This one's titled Bathroom Mystery:

One day at midnight when I sleep in my bed, I feel stomachache then I wake up and go to the bathroom. When I open the door suddenly something strange happened. I saw a man making the cake in my bathroom. Wow that was so cool and the the man say "Hello" to me and ask me "Do you want to eat" then I say "Yes" then we eat together. That was a good day.

Estimating Events Occuring in that Fashion

Despite what Kevlar says in comment boxes around the blogoworld, everything written on this blog is absolutely true, no exaggeration.

It's tough manifesto to uphold but we do our best.

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In other news -

The other day I picked up Jack Cust for the Japan series vs. the Red Sox and he rewarded my savvy by earning the Golden Sombrero, going 0 for 4 with 4 strikeouts.

Damn.

It's like Cowboy Jack Clement said, I Don't Like It But I Guess Things Happen that Way

Monday, March 24

An excellent blog

This is a great site on how to do all those cool things.

Saturday, March 22

Updates

Just finished Big Ell's live fantasy draft. Not sure bout my team. Feel kinda dirty. Action starts on the 24th vs. the Asstros. Went 3-0 against them last year and hope to continue my dominance this year.

Haven't blogged much this month. Don't know what it is. Probably the imminent onset of the baseball season combined with preliminary preparations for going home, for good. Lot of shit to get done. And the kids, of course. The kids are a handful too.

I asked Kevlar why he wasn't blogging lately either and he said this,

"How can I blog when there's so much porn to watch on the internet?"

Indeed, Kevlar, indeed.

I even tracked down a great How-To Video site for him to explore called Video Jug I thought he'd be way into that but when he searched How To Get Your Wife To Be Nice To You it came up empty and and he went back to surfing porn.

There was some initial excitement on his part that turned out to be just a misunderstanding,

Me: Did you check out that site?

Kev: Video jugs! That was just a video. I bookmarked it though.

Me: You mean Video Jug, not Jugs.

Kev: Hunh? No Video Jugs! They were huge! Maybe to big though.


Jugs
Uploaded by kittyponzo


Jebus Kevlar!

In other news our friend Deano got married a couple of weeks ago. Kev and I knew it was really true when he started talking about all the hotties he saw on the MRT in Taipei.

I don't know about sniffin' undies but Dean sure drinks his beer like it's ox-y-gen.

Here's John Prine and Iris Dement doing In Spite of Ourselves

Sunday, March 16

Sour Grapes

This past week I heard comments or had conversations with some students about Canada's victory over Taiwan last Monday night in Taichung.

Background - in the 8th both benches cleared after a Canadian baserunner bowled over the Taiwanese catcher in a not so close play at the plate. He was called out and Taiwan took a 5-4 lead into the 9th. It was a legitimate hit and well within the rules of baseball though a lot of Taiwanese I've spoken to about it have been horrified at the sudden and brutal violence of the collision. And the Taiwanese media has had a field day sensationalizing the supposed "unfair" play of the Canadian squad, especially after they blew the lead with 2 out in the 9th.

"Canada very bad." - said Fat Phil, 11th grade

"Canada is very rude." - said Lascivious Darren, 7th grade

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And then this conversation with an 11th grader about Canada's style of play:

Student: They (Canada) have small hits too much.

Me: You mean bunts?

Student: Yeah. Bunts.

Me: So?

Student: That's not good baseball. You supposed to hit the ball.

Me: It's called 'small ball'. It's tried and true strategy.

Student: It's wrong.

Me: Why? It's not against the rules.

Student: Yeah, but it's bad baseball.

----------------------------------------------------------------

And then another student, also grade 11, definitely in denial:

Student: Canada can't beat Chinese Taipei.

Me: But they did.

Student: But they can't.

Me: But they did. It happened. Taiwan blew it in the 9th. You had a one run lead with 2 out and nobody on in the 9th.

Student: Yes. They can't win.

Me: Who?

Student: Canada.

Me: Are you trying to say that Chinese Taipei is a better team than Canada?

Student: Yes.

Me: So why did they lose?

Student: They can't. Canada so bad.

Me: Canada won. Taiwan lost. On this day Canada was the better team.

Student: No.

Me: (sigh)

And on and on in this fashion til we had to go to class...

Sour grapes, that's what I says, sour grapes...

Thursday, March 13

Tuesday, March 4

228

We celebrated Burl's 1st birthday on 228 by going to the Carrefour on Wen Xin and letting the boys run around like mad in the play space in the basement. Little Burly was exhausted and fell asleep shortly thereafter while the rest of us turned our attention to getting fed. Instead of the golden arches we opted for the Ponderosa inside the Carrefour. The food was mediocre, as expected, but hey they got the all you can eat buffet. At least we wouldn't be walking away hungry. Ivo at some point expressed interest in the watermelon so I brought back a few slices along with some guava and pineapple. He and Sandy shared while Burl snoozed and I stuffed myself with luke warm curry rice and lemon chicken. We finished up and ran some errands. Burly woke up and ate a waffle and some fries in the car.

Between 2 and 3 am the next morning Ivo started puking. Sandy followed suit an hour later. Had to be food poisoning. Burl and I were unaffected. Whoever chopped up the fruit maybe didn't wash their hands, I don't know. I wonder how many people got sick from that place that day. Had to be more. The vomiting went on for a solid 24 hours. It was like ancient fucking Rome. Neither of them felt like themselves til Sunday night.

So,

RESTAURANT ADVISORY: CARREFOUR PONDEROSA. AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE.

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On a funnier note, while running errands we stopped at Finga's for yogurt, garlic butter etc. whatever. I waited in the car with the boys. Sandy ran in. She had this conversation with one tactless staffer.

Finga's Clerk: Oh! Hi! You're pregnant again! (big smile)

Sandy: No. No, I'm not. (smoldering begins)

FC: Oh, but I think you are! (giggling now)

Sandy: (clipped fake laugh) Hunh. No, I'm not. Pretty sure!

FC: Oh! I thought you were! (grinning)

Sandy: Bye! (suppressing rage)

Now let me just say that Sandy in no way shape or form looks pregnant. She looks amazing and has done a fantastic job losing the the pregnancy weight.

She gets back to the car and immediately recounts the above dialogue to me.

Sandy: Do I look pregnant?

Me: No, baby. You look hot.

Sandy: Then why is this person asking me if I'm pregnant?

Me: Maybe because she knows you have little kids.

Sandy: Maybe because of my awesome boobs.

Me: Maybe. They are awesome baby.

Sandy: It just makes me so angry, you know?

Me: No manners. It's horrible. Remember when you were pregnant with Burl and that woman chased you down on the street to sell you diet pills?

Sandy: Arrgghh. I can never go back there.

Me: You should go back sometime and ask her if she's pregnant.

Sandy: I couldn't do that.

Me: She'd get the point.

Sandy: Yeah but she'd old.

Me: We all look alike you know. Maybe she confusing you with someone else.

Sandy: Maybe. But if you don't know you should just keep your mouth shut.

Me: Tell me about it! I know how you feel. People keep asking me if I've had a vasectomy!

Sandy: (laughs)

Me: I mean, how much more virile do I need to look?